Hello bloggees and bloggettes!

Before beginning, I would like to again mention that we are having, for the next 4 Sundays, July 5th – July 26, a series of Best of the UMC showcases. It’s gonna be great. Click here for details.

And, now, finally, the Winner of the Ultimate Music Challenge is…

Rolling the Stones.

Congratulations you 20-thousand-dollar-having sumbitches!

Spend it wisely, or, go on a bender and blow it all in two days – either way, you earned it!

And just like that, it’s over.

I feel like a kid on Christmas day, after he’s opened all his presents, sitting around the tree looking at all the pieces of gift wrapping, shredded and scattered on the living room floor like, not to mix metaphors, dead soldiers after a great battle.

That’s how it feels for me today, Christmas has come and gone and I never wanted it to end.Before the show started, Alicia kept saying how nervous she was. “Why are you nervous?” I asked, and she said she was nervous “for the bands,” which I didn’t understand, until a few minutes before Don’t Stop Believing (DSB) came on and then I got nervous too, for the bands, and understood completely what she meant.

I was also nervous for myself because I knew it would be a hard night of judging and didn’t want to make any mistakes. 32 thousand dollars was on the line and I prayed it would be disbursed correctly, which, without the slightest doubt, I believe it was.

Don't Stop Believing

Rolling the Stones deserved that win. The judges (and the crowd) agreed. RTS was the clear winner, with Monsters of Rock in second, clearly, and the last two – Siren’s Crush and Don’t Stop Believing neck and neck for 3^rd and 4^th. The last two spots were the hardest to decide.

Here’s the funny thing.

Before going to the show, my wife, some friends and I had dinner at D.Z. Akins. During the meal, we had a discussion about whom we thought would win and the consensus was, DSB and Siren’s Crush would fight over the first and second slots and RTS and MOR– based on their weaker Semi-finals performances – would battle over the last two positions.

I agreed with them but also added that I would not be surprised if RTS and MOR stepped it up because there was no way either of those bands was going to allow themselves to perform poorly – and when I say poorly, I mean relatively poorly – two weeks in a row.

DSB rocks!

From the moment “Mick” came bounding onto that stage, until their full-band, theater-bow at the end, it was pure rock and roll delight. I told “Mick” after the show, “I will never tire of that moment when you come out onto the stage for the first time and throw your hands in the air to the cheers of the audience – it is such a Jagger moment, and you have it nailed.”

The set list was to die for. They opened with “Brown Sugar,” which was a great, set-launching choice, followed by the spine tingling “Gimme Shelter” (featuring Sherr’s oh so magical co-vocals), then “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking,” with that awesome percussion jam at the end, and “Keith” nailing Keith’s guitar parts on tone, style and spacing. That was the shit! Or so I thought, until they started playing “Sympathy for the Devil,” and realized that was the shit and the previous shit was just a bit of flatulence in comparison.

What a chill-spilling performance, what with Mick gliding back and forth on the stage while the girls sang “ooh-ooh” over and over again, and sounding more like a wind instrument (flute perhaps?) than vocals, and “Keith” again, nailing that gorgeous “Sympathy” slop-solo that just spills out of the PA like an upturned bottle of KickAss.

Jumping Jack Flash was an excellent choice for the finale. It’s a song everybody knows, but hasn’t been stripped of its soul the way “Satisfaction” has been. “Jumping Jack Flash” is the kind of tune that carries itself and all RTS had to do was show it the way home, which they most certainly did.

In short, an astounding set, astounding songs. My only complaint, and it’s a minor one, was repeating the Charlie Swatts’ “Hello” gag. It was funny the first time, pointless the second.

Monsters of Rock praying to the Metal Gods

MOR was a five-man wrecking crew. I thought their song selection was weak-ish in the semis, but last night’s repertoire was exactly what it needed to be. They started with the heavy metal classic, Deep Purple’s “Highway Star,” which, by the way, was the first song MOR  played at their very first Ultimate Music Challenge appearance, last year, during UMC2.

It was, for me, a top-ten UMC memory. I remember when they started playing it, my first thought was, “There is no way they are gonna do this masterpiece any justice. There is no way those guitar players – who both look like they teach Nerd Workshops in their spare time – are going to pull of the shredding stylings of Ritchie Blackmore. There is no way this singer, who looks like a cross between a post-pubescent Opie Griffith and Dennis the Menace – was going to pull off Ian Gillian.”

But pull it off they did, and I rose from my seat when Ron nailed that signature Gillian shriek and I’ve been standing for MOR ever since.

After revisiting “Highway Star,” Monsters did not look back. They chased it with the Cult’s, “Love Removal Machine,” followed by Judas Priest’s angry, anthemic, “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming,”  the Who’s “The Real Me,” Queensryche’s “Queen of the Ryche,” and finally, Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper,” during which came the theatrical highlight of the night, and one of the top five memorable moments of the UMC – the beheading of Dave Patrone.

That was too funny. Dave himself didn’t realize whom they were executing right away, but when he did – well, he was a good sport about it. Props to Monsters for bringing something new and interesting to the game. Nice touch, also, with the balloons (balloons always makes metal music better), and Eddie the zombie mascot (of whom I never tire) and some extra random creepies, including the executioner, Bruce (a.k.a. Alice), who was kind enough to let MOR use his guillotine (heavy metal always sounds better when there’s a beheading involved) and basically closed their set – and the night – with a thunderous bang.

MOR supports the troops via Iron Maiden

It was so great; hard to find something to criticize. If I had to pinpoint a reason that MOR lost to RTS, I would say, it came down to – yes, I’m going to use the word – dynamics. In this case, dynamics as it applies to tempo. Rolling the Stones won the tempo dynamics game by bringing us up and down and all over the place, whereas MOR pretty much kept us up, up and more up. Of course, they do “up” so well, so gracefully, that it’s not totally a bad thing, but when you lay the two performances side by side, it was tempodynamics that made the difference.

Siren’s Crush was spectacular as well. I absolutely love this band. Sadly, it was the weakest of their three performances, for two reasons. The first song (which I did not know) stayed in its pocket, which is a problem, especially for an intro, which, you know, really needs to jump out at you.

contraposto siren's - like greek statues

After that, they did “Piece of My Heart”, which some think was a bad choice. I disagree. I thought they knocked the original version into the dirt, kicked its ass repeatedly, then propped its lifeless body and did a tribal slamdance around it. I’m saying it was awesome.

The Alicia Keys song was brung as well. And while I know many did not appreciate, what I call, “The Costume Change Jam,” I, for one, loved it. It was straight-up funkalicous. Nevermind the talkboxing, which, no matter how you slice talkboxes, are tres cool. And I loved how he paid homage to Peter Frampton’s infamous Talkbox solo  (“Do you feel, like we do?”) before going into “California.”

Others were not as impressed. At one point, Alicia asked if maybe the jam was going on too long (an opinion held by many). “Not if it ends right now,” I responded and, as if on cue, it ended right then. It was perfect. It showcased the boys for once, without peer through a giant wall of estrogen.

When the girls returned to the stage – in new costumes – and started rocking out to Evanesence; well, that was theatrically dynamic! Only one problem. . .  “Wake Me Up Inside” was sloppy; probably, their sloppiest song of all three performances.

Finally they played “Free your Mind” and killed it; I mean really killed it. The harmonies couldn’t have been more juicy. I was pleased that they had  rebounded so well. Still, rebounding was not good enough. There is no room for mistakes in the finals. There’s just too much talent running around that even the tiniest blunders are magnified. It’s like a game between two chess masters. They are both excellent and it rarely comes down to who is the better player, rather, who makes the first mistake.

That said, let’s keep these mistakes in perspective. Mistakes may be magnified on finals night, but in the real world, at a regular gig, nobody would’ve batted an eye at “Wake Me Up,” because Siren’s are magnificent in so many ways.

Ditto DSB. They are a fabulous band. And I really thought, coming in, that they were going to take first or second place. And the reason they took last place was “Highway to Hell.”

Now, I am not of the opinion that it was wrong for a Journey tribute band to play AC/DC. I had no problem with that whatsoever. In fact, when the first guitar part kicked in, I howled with appreciation. Yes, it was a risk, but I appreciate the risk takers of the world. I appreciated that they were trying to mix it up, trying to poke their heads out of the box for a moment. I get that. I’m down. Kudos for trying.

No, the problem was not song choice, rather, the execution of the song. And it all came down to vocals. The bass player’s falsettos just seemed false, forced. When compared to the fluid, graceful falsettos of singer Juan, the AC/DC vocals stood out like a sore thumb. And the first chorus harmonies were way off. The second chorus was better, and the second half lead vocals improved, but by then the song was lost and the set mortally wounded.

Another issue with DSB was song selection. With the exception of “Oh Sherrie,” (awesome rendition by the way) and “Highway to Hell,” they repeated 4 songs. This was a mistake, especially considering the size of Journey’s catalog. Repeating that many songs risked boring the judges, or, at least, removing the element of surprise. Maybe that’s what the AC/DC was for. Still, the repeats didn’t help their cause.

That said, they were, and are, an awesomely talented band. Juan has an unbelievable voice. And the drummer? Jesus he was good. Come to think of it, all the drummers last night were spankin’. It truly was The Night of the Drummers. I bow to thee all.

Anyway, what a night. My only regret is that it’s over. These bands are all so good.

I won’t say anything hokey like, “You were all winners last night,” but I will say that you four are in the top of your class, and that each of you are going to earn a lot of money, fans and friends just by going out there and doing what you do; so keep doing it, purty please.

I would also like to add how impressed I am with the sound and light crew; the job you did last night, and throughout, makes the DreamCatcher one of the best live venues in the county. I currently don’t know of any that tops it.

To the bar staff and security – much love for you guys. I know how hard it is to do what you do, and I know you all busted your asses last night. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon.

To JackFM, the MC’s and other staff. Well done getting the word out! Keep up the good work!

To Casey, Tony, and the rest of Viejas management, and the kumeyaay tribe. Thank you for having me on board for this event. It’s really something and I am privileged and proud to be a part of it.

To the other judges, Alicia and Dave. It was inspirational working with you. I have learned so much from your musical expertise and powers of observation. You are savants in my opinion, and it’s an honor to have sat by your side.

Thanks also, to the audience, who made this event possible. Thanks for your cheers and your jeers. Thanks to all the new friends I’ve made, and old friends who came down. Thanks even to the young lady who gave me the finger when I was on stage last night, yeah, even you lady, thanks, because people like you – the sourpusses and negative Nellies of UMC – you make me laugh with your tantrums and your crybaby faces. Please don’t ever stop.

And last but not least, to the bloggers. Thanks for coming in here. Thanks for posting your opinions and encouraging debate. It has been a blast. No reason to stop either. Keep ‘em coming people. You know I love you.

The King has spoken.

Edwin Decker
Judge #3

And the winners of UMC Semi-Finals Round 2 are…

Siren’s Crush and Don’t Stop Believing:

Congratulations you ridiculously talented sum-bitches!

And so we have it, the official lineup for the UMC grand finale, in order of their scheduled appearances: Don’t Stop Believing, Rolling the Stones, Siren’s Crush and Monsters of Rock.

That’s two tribute bands versus two variety cover bands. (Gee, I wonder if that will dispel any conspiracy theories about the judges “favoring” tribute bands). Speaking of tribute groups, a sad farewell to Alice and the Cooper Gang. They are just so fun, so good; it’s tough to say goodbye. Especially since I haven’t heard “Goes to Hell” yet, which I was really hoping to hear last night. Suffice to say, I’m bummed. However, the best bands won last night, despite the fact that Don’t Stop Believing got the lowest db score.

Ahh, the mysteries of life.

(Big Toe smiles for his fans, camera)

Here are some numbers for your perusal.

Audience Applause Category (via db meter)

Siren’s Crush (118.5)
Alice and the Cooper Gang (116)
Big Toe (114.9)
Don’t Stop Believing (113.7)

Total Scores

Siren’s Crush (276)

DSB (245)

ACG (237.5)

Big Toe (184)

Judges’ Picks (minus both audience categories)

Siren’s Crush (220)

DSB (213)

ACG (190.5)

Big Toe (147)

(DSP defaces public property before gig)

The Judges’ Individual Picks (minus audience categories)

Dave Patrone

Siren’s Crush (75)

DSB (69)

ACG (57)

Big Toe (44)

Alicia Champion

Siren’s Crush (72)

DSB (72)

ACG (66)

Big Toe (59)

Ed Decker

Siren’s Crush (73)

DSB (72)

ACG (67.5)

Big Toe (44)

So it seems the judges were pretty much in line with each other, with the exception of Dave, who gave Siren’s Crush six more points than he gave DSB, and Alice a full 12 points less than DSB, which I think is evidence that Patrone is back on the pipe.

It was also nice to see the judges’ scores outrank the crowd applause for once. While everybody in the room – judges, crowd, stage crew, bar staff, security and the termites agreed – Siren’s’ snatched that victory from the other bands the way they snatch stark-raving sailors out of the sea. However, it was the judges scoring that gave Don’t Stop Believing enough points to overrule the crowd, which put them last.

The night began with Big Toe and, sorry to say, I instantly knew they had little chance against the other three heavy hitters in this competition. There was just nothing about them that separated Big Toe from your garden variety cover band. Oh sure, I’m quite certain that I was already comparing Big Toe to what I thought the other bands were going to do, as if Big Toe came on last, and all the other bands had already played, and kicked ass.

When I went back stage to take a photo, they were all still in the dressing room.

“What happened?” I asked.

They said nothing happened, that in their mind they had played a great set and did not understand from where the judges were coming .

I thought to myself, “Fair enough. That’s three against three. A tie, so who’s to say?”

Then we went outside to (try) and take a photo. While I was finagling with my camera, a fan came up to Mark (Big Toe) and said, “Those judges didn’t know what they were talking about.”

Mark and James quickly glanced at me; I think to gauge how I was going to react.

I told the fan, “Yeah man, they were idiots. Especially that Ed Decker guy. He’s an asshole.”

James (guitarist) agreed, parroting my words, “Yeah, a real asshole.”

The fan agreed as well, and then went on to say how great Big Toe had played (making the score 4-3 in Big Toe’s favor) and not to worry about the judge’ remarks.

I never told the fan that I was a judge, but I’m sure he figured it out fairly quickly and maybe felt a tad embarrassed. If so, dude, if you’re out there; it’s cool man. You stuck up for your boys. I get that.

Also, to the Big Toe fans who booed my comments, (making the score something like, 204-3 in Big Toe’s favor) that’s also cool man – you stuck up for your boys. I get that too.

However, you cannot tell me, when Don’t Stop Believing came on, that you didn’t see the gap between the two. It couldn’t have been more obvious that this was another level of musicianship. Admittedly, DSB wasn’t quite as good as the first time around (30 minutes gives musicians more time to make mistakes, and the judges more time to catch them) but what few flubs they made were just so, so, so glaringly insignificant when considering what and how they were doing what they were doing. As Alicia said, they could definitely go all the way.

(Crowd revolts, sentences ACG to death)

Then came Alice, oh Alice. What’s not to love about Alice? I really believe they had a chance at advancing, had they brought the big show.

When they played (and lost) the UMC2 finals, they brought out everything, including the guillotine, which I think is the showmanship highlight of the Alice experience. I felt that, last night, they veered away from the showmanship/props angle, instead, showcased their musical expertise, which – while raw and rockified – was a bad move being that, they were going against such hyper-polished performers as DSP and Siren’s Crush.

Whatever, ACG remains as one of my favorite all-time bands of the UMC and sincerely hope they return (though I would not blame them if they didn’t).

Finally came Siren’s Crush.

I get criticized for gushing about Siren’s Crush but guess what? I don’t care. When Siren’s Crush stops being awesome is when I will stop gushing about them. In the meantime, I will “Gush, gush, gush, slobber, slabber, slaver, froth, gush, glorify, hail, praise, gush, bluster, bellow, bloviate, rant, rave, lionize, canonize, aggrandize, kudize, pedestal-ize, gush, gush, adorn, elevate, exalt, honor, revere, worhship, venerate, gush-gush and slobber,” all over Siren’s Crush until the cows go back out.

(Siren’s vocalists wanders into crowd)

Hey Siren’s guys and gals? You are spectacular.  You are divine. You are a force to be reckoned with. The other bands will not be able to defeat you. They can only hope to contain you.

Of course, the same is true of Don’t Stop Believing (gush, froth, gush), Rolling the Stones (gush, slobber, gush), and Monsters of Rock (all hail, praise, gush) as well. You are all four, behemoths in your genre and one of you is going home with 20,000 dollars, though I have no idea which . It’s gonna be close, real close.

“For all of the decent citizens you’ve enraged,
For being a brat refusing to act your age,You can go to Hell”
– Alice Cooper, “Goes To Hell”

Rölling the Stönes and Mönsters öf Röck.  Congratulations both you, “Bringing-it-when-it-needed-to-be-brought” mofos! See you in the Finals!

So, it was Rölling the Stönes which, once again, came out first, slammed the jam, smoked the stroke, and set a bar which arguably wasn’t surpassed until the last set of the night, if ever.

Man, oh man, I had so much fun last night. The only thing that sucked was that all 4 bands couldn’t go forward. For the record, I enjoyed every one of your sets and will be keeping an eye out for future gigs. True story.

Here are you db readings:

Rölling the Stönes topped the meter at 117.4, followed by Mönsters öf Röck at 116.7, The Mighty Untöuchables at 116.1, and Firëfly at 114.6, which means the crowd and I agreed upon the two winners, and overturned Alicia and Dave’s top pick of The Mighty Untöuchables.

Indeed, Dave and Alicia overtly expressed their disdain for my decision to stiff The Untöuchables and, predictably, pulled their, “We-are-musicians-and-we-know-better-than-you” card, on which I called bullshit. More on that later.

Here are your numbers:

1. Band Totals

Rölling the Stönes – 262.5

Mönsters öf Röck – 256.5

Untöuchables – 232.5

Firëfly – 211.5

2. The Judges’ Picks, Collectively (total band score minus audience response categories):

Mönsters öf Röck– 207

Rölling the Stönes – 206

Untöuchables – 194

Firëfly – 181

3. Judges’ Individual Picks (minus audience response categories)

Dave Patrone

Untöuchables – 69
MöR – 65.5
Stönes – 65
Firëfly – 55

Alicia Champion

Untöuchables – 71
Stönes – 69
MöR – 66
Firëfly – 63

Edwin Decker

MöR – 75.5
Stönes – 72
Firëfly – 63
Untöuchables – 55

(from the MöR website)

So it seems my scores are quite out of whack from the other judges. Especially with regard to the Untöuchables, which they both had first, and I had last, causing a bit of a rumpus between us. And I will say this: in hindsight, I am displeased with my scoresheet. In fact, in hindsight, this was my worst judicial outing since starting UMC some 3 years ago. Indeed, if I were to judge my judging abilities of last night, I think it would go like this:

SHOWMANSHIP

1. Stage Presence – 8 (cuz I’m cool on da mike)

2. Energy – 8 (I’m energetic)

3. Charisma – 8 (I’m very charming, as you know)

4. Overall style – 4 (I have marginal style)

JUDGING ABILITY (Here’s where I falter)

1. Judging Vocal Performances – 4

2. Judging Music performances – 3

Giving me a total of 42 points (“Judging Ability” category counts as double)

There are many reasons for my grand-scale suckage here. For one, it was a very close night yet my scoring did not resemble that. I should not have given the Untöuchables such a low score. Nor did Mönsters deserve that high of a score. If I had to do it over again, my grades would’ve looked more like this:

Stönes – 72

Mönsters – 71

Firëfly – 69

Untöuchables – 68

The reasons why I thought I scored Mönsters too high was because:

1. They had several moments of dynamic technical muddiness.

2. They made a bad song choice (“Symphony of Destruction” by Megadeth).

3. Ron forgot the opening lyrics to “War Pigs,” which was blatant, and a bit of a disappointment, albeit a good recovery. Apparently, he also bungled the lyrics on “Symphony of Destruction.” Not that I would know nor care since Dave Mustaine blows assface. It is beyond me why Mönsters would ever play Megadeth, except, maybe, to make Megadeth look like chumps by comparison – in which case I approve.

I thought the Rölling the Stönes came out huge, really huge– goose pimple-huge – despite the fact that I have no use for “Satisfaction,” being that it is in the top ten of all-time most overplayed songs in the history of rock. And when Jackson (a.k.a. Këith RiffHard) opened with that guitar riff – the second most famous guitar intro in the world – I thought, Oh god, really? Are you really going to make me sit through 4 or 5 minutes of this soul-jacker of a song?

But, I have to say, they coughed new life into “Satisfaction” and the set was officially off and running. Then, “Heartbreaker” which was an excellent song choice and masterfully executed (with goose pimples remaining on skin). “Wild Horses” was a bold decision considering the abrupt tempo plummet. However, they couldn’t have placed it better, built it back up to a brilliant, goose-pimpling climax, and dove headlong into “Gimme Shelter” (at this point, goose pimples fully erect and running from wrist to elbow). The Gimme Shëlter girl shuttered the song with a titanic vocal display that, dare I say, bested Merry Clayton’s version on the original track. It was easily the best musical moment of the night. They lost me on “Rocks Off,” though, (at which point the goose pimples took a dinner break) but came back strong, albeit goose pimple-free, with the “Honky Tonk Woman” finale.

Overall, an outstanding set.

As for Shëlli and Firëfly, I’m more than a little depressed they’re not moving on. I just dig them so much; absolutely adored their show and disagreed with the other judges that she was pitchy out of tune.

Of course, Shelli herself would probably agree with Dave and Alicia, as she was fighting through some throat mold, could not hear herself in the monitor and was not entirely jazzed about her performance, but I just loved Shelli’s rendition of “Alone” and if I missed her out-of-tuned-edness, it was probably because I was singing along so loudly, I couldn’t hear it. The Who’s “Baba O’Reilly” was a nice touch for an opening, though they cut it short, which was disappointing. The Pink song, “Trouble,” was a great song choice for the slot (kept that energy going) but lost me a bit with the Muse tune. No worries though as they brought’er home via Heart, ZZ Top and Zep.

Girl, Shell, you can sing, moldy throat be damned. And Chris, drummër, like I said last night, yer a banger man. Bang on!

Finally, the controversy du jour: The Mighty Untöuchables:

My magisterial colleagues tore me a new sphincter last night because I had them last on my list. However, I stand by the decision. For me, the main problem was “Black Magic Woman.” I also thought they dragged the tease on “How Deep is Your Love” just a little too long and had some problems on Kansas’, “Carry On.”  In their defense, it was a bold call to play that song, a song that is as big as tornado and twice as powerful. In fact, the whole set was delightfully risky, going from Earth Wind and Fire, to Carrie Underwood, to Kansas, Bee Gees and Beyonce. That took ‘nads! The male lead singer, Leonard, was sublime. Danielle and Juliette are no slouches either. But it was Leonard’s display of depth and emotion on “How Deep is Your Love” that struck my chords. The harmonies were sick. The rearrangement of the Beyonce song was clever, to say the least, and “Get Away” by Earth Wind and Fire was an absolute brain basher. All in all, a lovely, exciting set, but again, it was that damned “Black Magic Woman” which secured a bottom position on my scoresheet.

Aside from being, what I consider, an utterly overplayed tune, I thought there were some chaotic moments (not the good kind of chaos), with guitar volumes abruptly dropping in and out, (not in the good way) and the drummer inexplicably speeding and slowing the tempo (not in the good way).

Alicia and David couldn’t have disagreed more. And boy, did they let me have it; talking about how the tempo and volume disparity were part of their reworking of the song; talking about how the abrupt key changes were not only difficult, but had been nailed; talking about the intended shock value of a key change; talking about the nature of a key change as a whole; talking about key changes as if I was some sort of piano-banging retard who thinks “key change” is what happens after your woman throws you out of the house.

I told them, yes Dave, Alicia, I know what a key change is – and I know they can be difficult to pull off, but it still has to land on an appropriate key, regardless of the difficulty. It’s like a gymnast botching the dismount after a triple, doozy, whammy, flip-a-roony. No matter how hard the stunt, the dismount must still be landed.

Anyway, that was the debate. I will leave it up to Blog Nation to decide who’s right.

In the meantime, I’d like to reiterate, despite our (the judges) many disagreements, despite all our critical nitpicks and minutia-excrucia, the one aspect upon which we all agree is that four extraordinarily talented bands graced us with their presence last night, and two of them will be sorely missed. True story.

Ëdwin Dëckër
Judge #3 (The Cörrecter Judge)

And so, the last week of the UMC preliminaries ends not with a whimper, but with a big badass bang – a big bang – as Siren’s Crush (formerly Crush – 3^rd Place in UMC 1 Finals) came away with the win.

What a performance and, for me, what an extraordinarily difficult night to umpire.

The first band of the evening was Zoo2, a great name for a U2 tribute band. I thought they were really good. Actually, what I said was that they were, “really, really, really good — three “reallys.”

They were much better than the other U2 tribute, Rattle and Hum. And I told them as much. I said that, while Rattle and Hum had them beat in the appearance and physical mimicry department, Zoo2 had blown Rattle away both musically and vocally.

Talking backstage with the guys in the band, I think some took exception to that comment because I was asked if appearance was more important than musicianship. I told him no, musicianship was the most important thing, and that he had my missed my point, which was that they were a better band than Rattle and Hum because they were musically and vocally superior. I told them the reason I made that comment in the first place was to use it as a jumping off point from which to deliver a cascade of compliments about their sound.

Another discussion we had backstage was about Zoo’s extra member. I was asked why the judges didn’t comment on the fact that they had a 5^th member (keyboardist) when U2 only has four. I said that stuff doesn’t matter to me. You did what you had to do to bring your best sound. I respect that. Sure, you could have, if you wanted, gone for a purist imitation of U2, but that’s your business. Bottom line, whichever approach you choose, it’s all good, so long as you execute.

And they did execute. My only notable complaint, and I didn’t realize it at the time, was the energy was a little lacking. Of course, they were the first band to go on and the audience was still a little stiff, thereby giving Zoo little to draw from, energy-wise. That’s the curse of the first slot. It takes a really special band to get that crowd going from that position (Alice, Stones come to mind) and all things considered, Zoo2 was/is a really, really, really good band.

Incidentally, the reason I didn’t initially realize there was an energy problem with Zoo was because I had nothing to compare it to. That was, until 6one9 came out, and it was clear a new level had been reached. As musically and vocally average their first song was (“My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit) it was still – on the energy scale – a notch and a half higher than Zoo’s highest moment.

From there it only went up. When they played The Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane,” I thought they were at the top of their game (read: thought), followed by “Hot for Teacher,” which, admittedly seemed rushed, but still rocked out and was a great choice for song #3. But it was during the finale, Quiet Riot’s “Metal Health,” when they set the roof, the roof on fire. And, not only did they let the mother burn, they kept dousing it with gasoline.

On a side note, I would like to extend an apology to the 6one9 bassist. After I emerged from the backstage photo sesh with Zoo2, I walked onto the stage near where 6one9’s bass player was setting up. Thinking it was actually Old School who was coming on next (yeah, I’m a ‘tard), I pumped my fist in the air and chanted, “Old School, Old School, Old School,” at the bass player.

So embarrassing. The poor guy musta thought I was in the tank for Old School and taunting him about it. Even Casey looked at me like I had lost my mind.

After 6one9, came Old School, and thus began the feud between me and Patrone that would last long after the show was over. More on that shortly.

Old School was great from the start; playing one of my favorite Van Halen songs, “Everybody Wants Some,” and nailing it. They did scorching, hard rock versions of “Come Together,” “Tainted Love,” and Walking on Sunshine” until the latter half of “Sunshine” which got a little sloppy and boring toward the end and going into the Pearl Jam finale.

To me, their performance was the inverse of 6one9. They came out like a fireball, but, toward the end, lost a step. On the other hand, 6one9 had a bumpy start, built from there, then crushed the Quiet Riot conclusion. Both bands were really, really, really, really great (that’s four “reallys” each), however, in my mind, and on my sheet, 6one9 won by a hair.

After Old School finished, Patrone and I began our epic argument, which continued through the rest of the show, throughout the V-Lounge after party, and which is still going on right now, as I write this, via Facebook chat. Here are some of the excerpts (paraphrased) as I remember them:

After Old School played, Patrone said, “Now that’s how it’s done. They kicked 6one9’s ass.”

I said, “Are you on crack? It was a close match, but 6one9 came out ahead.”

Patrone said Old School was by far the superior band, and 6one9 was not even in the same league.

I told Patrone, it was very close and we can disagree about who was better, but there is no disagreeing with the fact that it was close.

He said bullcocky, it wasn’t close at all, and he did not understand the 6one9 hype.

I said, “Well there you have it. The hype hyped you up too much. No band could ever match the hype that you hyped up in your head.”

Patrone said 6one9’s first song was weak.

I said true, but Old School’s last song was equally weak, and it’s better to start weak and end strong than start strong and end weak.

Patrone said the Old School vocalist was more powerful and the falsettos of 6one9’s bass player/singer were thin and reaching.

I said the falsettos were just fine, spectacular even, and the songs 6one9 chose were vocally more difficult than Old School’s.

Patrone said that was caca and the backing vocals of Old School were better.

I said they were both excellent, but 6one9 did more harmonizing (i.e. singing in different notes) than Old School, which did more backing vocals (i.e. singing in same notes).

Patrone said I was an idiot.

I told Patrone that if he knew any less about music, he would be a forensic accountant.

Patrone said that Old School was more creative because they reinvented some of the songs.

I told him, as I told Zoo2, that it doesn’t matter; that the contestants can either go for purist imitation or creative reinterpretation, and that there is no bias, from a judge’s perspective, which tactic they choose – so long as they execute.

Patrone said that I was a sucker for power chords.

I said that he was a power chord hater.

Patrone called me a doodyhead.

I said he was a donkeylicker.

And while it is true that our guest, judge Meghan, agreed with Patrone, an extended poll of audience members revealed a roughly even split between the two bands – proving my point that we can differ about who was best, but that they are clearly in the same league.

I would very much like to hear what the bloggers have to say about this.

Next came Stacy and the Stimulus Package and I just felt awful for them. After having to follow two blaring heavy rock bands, to come out with an acoustic guitar, mandolin, bass violin, and no drummer – well that was a tough nut to jimmy. Making matters worse, there was a lot of chatter in the room and that can’t be good for the ego or the energy draw. Also, it must be difficult to bring a softer, more nuanced, aesthetic to an audience whose ears were still ringing.

And while the Stimulus package did have a few problems, such as several moments of vocal screechiness, and some sloppy guitar soloing (Understanding that acoustic soloing is an entirely different animal than electric soloing), I thought they did a really really (two reallys) good job under the circumstances. I also appreciated their bravery, as they ignored the chatter and kept going forward, dignity intact – damn the talkpedos.

Backstage I apologized for the seemingly disinterested crowd and unfortunate position in the set.

Stacy didn’t blink an eye.

“That’s all right honey, we came to do what we do and we did it.”

The whole band had a similar reaction and I must say, that’s the sort of ‘tude that puts tears in my eyes: No excuses. No complaints. Just put your collective heads down and get to work maestros!

And so to you, Stacy, I say – hallelujah sister – can I get a witness?!

Last, and obviously not least, came the appropriately named Siren’s Crush, as in – they were sirens and they crushed.

If you remember, in the Odyssey, Ulysses instructs the ship’s crew to plug their ears with candle wax so they won’t be seduced by the voices of the sirens and steer the ship into the jagged rocks. Ulysses, being the captain, cannot plug his ears so the crew binds him to the main mast where Ulysses goes mad, flailing desperately to break his bondage and leap overboard and onto the treacherous rocks.

Well damn girls! Last night, you lured the whole room onto the jagged rocks of your awesomeness. It was MUCH better than all your performances in UMC1, which were brilliant and fun, but, just could not touch the mastery and seduction you displayed last night. And what a backline! The drummer, the bass player, the whole outfit was really, really (two reallys) rock solid. But it was you three ladies, after all, who splintered our hulls with your hypnotizing siren songs.

I’m not even going to mention your hotness, which was . . . well, really, really, really effin hot! (that’s three “really’s and one “effin”). But to focus on your hotness would miss the point of your true beauty. And where your true beauty lies is in your grace, your skills, your delicate balance between confidence and humility, and your big fat gaping smiles that nearly stretched the width of the stage. These are the things that are truly beautiful about you. Your hotness is just a sidebar. Much love girls. Good luck in the next round. Your work is cut out for you.

Edwin Decker
Judge # 3

I know many of you have been requesting, either on the blog or privately, that I publish band images, stats or judges’ scores from previous weeks’ challenges. First of all, please know, I haven’t been ignoring your requests. I was out of  town in the middle of last week (Las Vegas actually) and when I returned, spent Saturday and Sunday organizing and operating a two day music festival, then raced off to Viejas for UMC, and was pretty much away from my computer for the last 6 days. I didn’t even see all your blog and/or email requests until today.

That said, with all due respect to my fellow UMC blog-ees (you know I love you) please note: there is no guarantee on any given week that I will post any or all of your pictures, or judges’ scores or the db meter readings. I don’t have time to publish them all, all the time. What I have been doing, and will continue to do, is post the stuff that is interesting, appropriate and/or controversial. There is no format per se. If I don’t mention your band’s db scores one week, it’s probably because there were no surprises. If I don’t post the judges’ scores, it’s probably because there was nothing interesting or unexpected about them. Today, I will not be posting any numbers because Don’t Stop Believin’ won by a landslide, and there isn’t anything in the numbers that tell a particularly interesting story. I will try to post images each week, but, since we are no longer allowed to take live shots from inside the venue, I find the images to be practically useless. The static shots I’ve been taking since the camera ban are, basically, inferior publicity photos, which you can find superior versions of at any given band’s website (the Don’t Stop Believin’ photo publicity photo below for example), which are all posted  on the “About the Bands” page.

Look, I’m not scolding anyone here. I don’t blame you for wanting all the aforementioned information and images, but there is not enough time to rummage through all the scoresheets, do all the different math configurations, and do all the cropping and resizing and uploading of every band image. As you can see, it already takes all day just to post this. And remember, there was a time when I didn’t post ANY of the numbers. Nobody seemed to mind then. However, when I started posting numbers occasionally, people began expecting it more and more. Alas, I cannot live up to those expectations.

So, as far as the blog is concerned, and I know this will sound harsh, but I mean it with all the UMC love in the world: You will get what I give you and you will like it.

The other comment I wanted to make is a serious one: For the first time in UMC history, an allegation of sabotage has been made. This is very troubling to us, but we’ll get to that later. Right now, it’s time to announce the champ of Week 7 (as if you didn’t already know): And the winner is…

Don’t Stop Believin’! Congratulations you Journey-sound-alike-ing freaks-of-nature, you! See you in the Semis.

So, just like last week, when Alice and the Cooper gang won, it was the band in the first slot which came out swinging for the fences, thereby marking the distance to which all other Week 7 bands would fail to reach.

From the very first note, it was clear that Don’t Stop Believin’ (DSB) was a force. It pounced onto that stage like a starving lion and immediately leaped onto it’s prey – the prey being us, the audience. Once tackled, it wasted no time plunging its fangs into our collective jugulars.

In short they went for the kill, and they killed it, a lot!

The first song was “Separate Ways,” which, for those of you who have visited this blog recently might know that “Separate Ways” is one of my least favorite Journey Songs, but, on which, they killed. They followed with “Any Way You Want It”, also on the lower echelon of my favorite Journey songs, but, on which, they also killed.

Then they played “Faithfully.”

I haaaate that song.

I mean, in 1983, you couldn’t go anywhere without some twit putting a quarter in a jukebox, selecting “Faithfully,” then standing in front of the hurdy-gurdy and singing along with scrunched eyes and clenched fists as if the jukebox were a girl who was breaking his heart.

My favorite Journey songs, in case you were wondering, come from the first four albums after Steve Perry joined the band; those being Infinity (featuring such greats as “Lights,” “Feeling that Way,” “Anytime,” and “Wheel in the Sky”); Evolution (with such nuggets as, “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’”, “City of the Angels” and “Just the Same Way”); Departure (“Any Way You Want It,” “Walks Like a Lady,” and the utterly underrated “Good Morning Girl”); and Escape (“Don’t Stop Believing,” “Stone in Love,”  and “Who’s Crying Now.”)

As the band got older, the writing became increasingly Steve Perry-centric, which is to say, it got sappier, hokier and syrupier. By the time Frontiers came out in ‘83, Journey was a Steve Perry drip-a-thon. And yes, it was Frontiers from whence came “Faithfully,” the song that Satan pipes through the speakers of Hell, all day, every day, throughout eternity – much to the chagrin of the damned.

During the tune, Alicia leaned over and said, “You hate this song don’t you? Are you going to score it against them?” I told her I would not. I told her, this was a big hit for Journey, and people seem to love it (people being silly of course) and that, from a Journey tribute band’s perspective, it was the right song at the right time, considering they had just finished playing two majestic, rocking numbers and it was – for the sake of the D-word – time to downshift.

For the finale, a perfect choice: “Don’t Stop Believing”; one of the all time Journey greats, which they killed; killed it from start to finish, including the A cappella harmony before the denouement, which was startlingly crystal clear and spot on.

It was a near perfect set. In fact, today, before writing this blog post, I spent some time on YouTube watching various live footage of the real Journey and, I have to say – factoring out the poor sound audio and video quality – DSP just might do live Journey better than Journey does Journey live.

Visually, the real Journey doesn’t touch Don’t Stop Believing. They don’t play off each other as much. They seem to be in their own worlds. Of course, the real Journey members didn’t much like each other, and they all hated the arrogant, manipulative Steve Perry – which is obvious in their live shows as he seems to be performing on an emotional island.

DSP’s backing vocals and harmonies were actually better than the backup vocals of (live) Journey. As far as lead vocals are concerned, of course there is no replacing the signature tone of Steve Perry’s voice. Note for note though, I’d say DSP singer makes/made fewer mistakes, and visually – and by this I mean stage motion, posing, dancing, grooving etc. – DSP’s singer blows doors on Perry, who dances like a nerdy teenager doing the happy dance after he got laid for the first time.

Keep in mind, I’m not saying DSP is a better band than Journey. These are, after all, Journey’s original compositions and that is 90 percent of the genius. But, live show vs. live show – it’s a toss up.

The only real disappointment in DSP’s set was that, when it was over you just knew, nobody else was going to top it. You could feel it in your bones.

Such as Stellita’s Groove which, by comparison, was boring. It should be noted that Stellita threw together this ensemble at the last minute and there were, indeed, many problems with the set. But as I said, it was a last minute pull-together and really I don’t want to waste anybody’s time picking stuff apart that I have no doubt Stellita, her band, and the audience don’t already know; nor does it feel particularly prudent to insult those who went out of their way to do US  a favor, at cost to themselves. It wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t excellent. Dig?

Ditto Rio, who also had a myriad of problems, most of which were vocal, but again – new singer, tall order, short time – so, no reason to harp on their issues about which you, I, and they already know.

The Buzzbombs were great! They came out buzzing and bombing allright, starting with one of rockabilly’s most covered tunes, “Going Out West,” by a couple of songwriters you never heard of, so I won’t name.

“Well I’m going out west where I belong
Where the days are short and the nights are long.”

They continued playing more core rockabilly, including an excellent ‘billy version of The Kingsmen’s “Louie Louie,” and Rockabilly rooster, Gene Vincent’s most famous tune, “Be-Bop-a-Lula.” I didn’t know the name or composer of the last song they played but it was smokin’. You know what else was great about the Buzzbombs? They don’t know how “great” they are.

When I was talking back stage with the guys, they told me how nervous they were, and how many mistakes they made on stage. The guitar player said his hands were shaking the whole time.

“We play dive bars,” he explained. “We’re not used to big fancy stages like this.”

I told him the Ultimate Music Challenge was an event for all styles and genres and that UMC can be high brow and it can be low brow.

“Truth be told, fellas. Some of us prefer it low brow.”

I could tell their fear and humility were genuine because they were still flustered and shaky in the back room. It was sweet.

They told me about a conversation they had prior to their set. Apparently, just before going on stage, the guitar player told the bass player, “Now listen, don’t forget to play your bass.”

“Well thanks, Captain Obvious,” the bass player replied. “I’ll try and remember that.”

I laughed out loud at that. I had this image of the bass player standing up there, dancing and moving and singing, but, for some reason, forgetting to strike any strings.

Anyway, my advice to you boys: keep the humility, lose the fear and get your asses back in here next year. And if you do return, please play “Black Slacks” by Robert Gordon. ‘Nuff said.

Last but not least came That 70’s Rock Show. They embarked with the ambitious Pink Floyd song, “Time,” which is an awesome and difficult song to get right, but on which they did a fantastic job, considering. There has been some talk about the singer using the wrong guitar (more on this in a bit as it is related to the sabotage theory), but I could tell right away this guy had chops.

They followed “Time” with my favorite song of all the songs whose name I can never remember, nor who recorded it:

“No matter what you are
I will always be with you

Doesn’t matter what you do girl
Ooh girl with you.”

After a little research, I learned the ditty is called “No Matter What,” and the band is Badfinger (Badfinger, incidentally, was supposed to be the heir to the Beatles dynasty, having a “Beatles” sound, been signed to Apple Records, and taken under the wing of Beatles alumni, Ringo and Paul. Sadly, two suicides brought the group to their knees).

After “No Matter What,” came “Layla,” and this was where the lead singer/guitarist really began to gain some momentum. Alas, it all fell apart during the “Layla” slide finale, one of the all time best extended outros in rock and roll history – right up there with the Eagles’ “Hotel California,” The Beatles’ “I Want You (She’s So Heavy),” Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger,” and, oh yeah, how about the extended outro on Journey’s “Stone in Love”, which is a triumphant rock slamma-jam.

The “Layla” outro breakdown was nearly as devastating a moment as when the Dazed and Confused’s lead guitar bottomed out as he was going into the key shredder moment of “Whole Lotta Love.” It was possibly worse even, considering that, during the “Whole Lotta Love” debacle, you didn’t hear any guitar. However, with the Layla slide solo, you heard it, but what you heard sounded like a flock of magpies clubbing a baby seal. If it were any more out of tune, it would have been in tune. And I could see on everyone’s face in the band, everybody knew it was wrong, even the guitar player, yet it went on and on. “So why didn’t he correct,” I thought? “Surely a guitar player of his abilities, his ear, would have noticed and fixed the problem at once.” But it never got fixed.

It wasn’t until after the show that I learned about the sabotage allegation from Viejas Production Manager, Casey Johnson.  Today I sent an email asking Casey for an official statement. This was his reply:

“. . .  According to the guitarist/singer of That 70’s Rock Show. . .  his guitar, that was stored in its case on stage, was sabotaged. The floating tremolo fine tuning screws on his 24 fret Jackson guitar were all tightened, thus throwing his guitar out of tune. He did not have time to fix before the show, so he had to play a 22 fret guitar without tremolo for “Time” and “Layla.” Because of this, he was unable to authentically replicate the tremolo effect in ‘Time,’ and did not have the proper octave range for the slide work on ‘Layla.’”

Now, this sort of technical stuff is above my head, but the reason I am not yet ready to dismiss it as sour grapes is because of how good the guitar player was in the first place. I mean, to just fall apart like that made no sense. Also, when I went on stage for photos, I saw him gruffly packing up his gear, obviously irritated, and saying to one of his bandmates something to the effect of, “I can’t believe somebody would do something like that.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about at the time, but it seemed like the real deal to me.

Again, I don’t know crap about crap, so I’d like to hear from you tech heads what you think about all this.  Also, if you are out there, I’d like to hear from That 70’s guitarist himself; would sure love to hear from the horses mouth exactly what happened.

Regardless of whether the sabotage allegation is true,I think you’re a great band, and hope good things happen to you from here on out.

Peace all,
Over and Out

Ed Decker
Judge #3

Today is Memorial Day and I’d like to take this moment to give a hearty thank you, thank you, thank you former and current military men, living or dead – for all you do and all you’ve done.

THIS MEANS YOU TOO PATRONE!

You may be a dick, but you are a hero dick. You are our hero dick.

And let it be known that even though we civilians really don’t need a Memorial Day to remind us of your sacrifice, we are happy to have one.

And now,

The winner of UMC 6 is. . .

Alice and the Cooper Gang!

Congratulations you Satan-loving, snake-handling, blood-drinking rock and roll fiends!

(Alice in UMC2 Finals)
And so it came to pass that Alice and friends went first, put on a helluva show and set a bar that nobody else would reach.

Well, sort of.

Alice’s set was most excellent. And no, it wasn’t perfect musically: some of the transitions within some of the jams (not to be confused with the transitions between songs, which were tight) were at times, a little bumpy. The vocals weren’t particularly stunning. Bruce (AKA Alice) tends to shout or growl certain notes that would be better served sung. However, whatever minor imperfections they might have had were more than compensated by sheer showmanship, energy and straight-up, hair-raising, ass-kicking fun. The night began at the top of a mountain.

Then we hit a valley.

The valley being Eye Ninety and the Jackstones.

Let me just preface by saying that, while everyone agrees, there are no excuses, it should be noted there were credible reasons why these two bands did poorly. Not that these reasons would affect the judges’ scores. The scoresheet, after all, does not ask, “Why?” It only asks, “What?”

However, the “Why” is what the blog is for. And the reason why Eye Ninety performed poorly was because Casey asked the guys at the last minute to fill in. They agreed despite the fact that the lead singer/bass player was out of town, so they grabbed another bass player who had 24 hours to learn and rehearse the songs, and put the guitar player in the role of lead singer.

Sticking with the Memorial Day premise, I must say, that was a straight-up warrior move, fellas.

So thanks!

Not just for filling in on short notice, but thanks for having the gonads to put it all out there, knowing full well you were shorthanded. As for you, fill-in singer guy – my hat comes off for doing one of the hardest and bravest things in the world …

Singing lead vocals when singing is not your strength!

I wish I had known all this before I made my comments last night. Admittedly, I was pretty insensitive and deserved the subsequent chorus of boos and murmurs. The truth is, I hadn’t intended on being so crass, but, as the words were coming out of my mouth I thought, Damn dude, you’re rude! I even told them they were, “out of their league.”

Somebody in the crowd got real mad at that and yelled, “Move on, next judge,” and I realized, indeed, I was unnecessarily piling on hurtful comments which they didn’t deserve. It should also be noted that, when I went back stage to take their picture, they were polite and friendly when really, they should’ve told me to go suck an egg. That was classy fellas. You showed respect when I did not deserve it and won’t forget it anytime soon.

Ditto The Jackstones who were nothing but respectful and friendly and who also had legit reasons for their poor outing. And while Margaret, the sexy gal singer of the group, gave me permission to publish those reasons, I have decided they are too personal and sensitive to release here. Suffice to say, I feel awful about the crappy things I said.

Shortly after, when I walked by Dave M. and The Lovely Mary’s table, Mary called me over.

“Do you know what I do for a living?” she asked.

I was a bit confused by her question, but answered anyway saying that I did not know how she was employed.

“I provide anesthesia for colonoscopy patients,” she said. “I help them feel relaxed and comfortable. Your comments to Eye Ninety were all colonoscopy and no anesthesia.”

It really set me back for a moment. The Lovely Mary was right. I just unloaded on those guys and it had to hurt. Bummer. I’m not here to hurt people. That’s not at all what I’m about. It downright sucks actually. But the only thing that sucks more than brutal honesty is dishonesty. I just can’t bring myself to lie or omit certain truths when asked for my opinion. However, I can, and should, as The Lovely Mary suggested, apply some anesthesia before inserting the cold, steely microscope of critique.

Before I left their table, I told Mary she was correct; the comments I made about Eye Ninety were all colonoscopy and no anesthesia, but – judging from her previous  posts – Mary’s comments are all anesthesia and no colonoscopy. We had a laugh at that and agreed that both are needed for the health and well being of the patient.

You know I love ya Mary. She’s a keeper Dave.

Next came Purple Haze, and nothing tunes me out faster than hearing Hendrix music. No offense to one of the most influential, innovative musicians of all time (You know I love you Jimi), but you can’t walk 20 feet anymore without hearing “Purple Haze.”

You can’t go for an hour in a bar without somebody playing “Fire,” on the jukebox.

And outside every liquor store, from Bakersfield to Buffalo, there’s at least one hippie-kid busker bum playing “All Along the Watchtower,” thereby preventing me from picking up my “medicine” in peace.

Point is, Hendrix = yawn

And yet, Purple Haze made the songs come alive again.

And none more so than their rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, which would’ve brought tears to my eyes had my tear ducts not been shot off in ‘Nam.

It was also wonderfully appropriate to play that song, not just because it was/is Memorial Weekend, but because it brought an element of dyamics, er… contrast to their otherwise high tempo, hard rocking set. It was truly an awesome, emotional moment and is in the running for the “Best Musical Moment of the Night,” award.

Speaking of which, next came Geezer.

They were a comedy act more than a music act, but the music was fantastic. The tones were gorgeous. The vocals and harmonies were radio-ready. The separation was, well, separate and the performance, musically speaking, was tighter and cleaner, than anything we had seen last night. And that wasn’t even the best part of their set. The best part was the comedy.

In short, Geezer was hilarious and had several moments that were in the running for “Best Musical Moment of the Night.”

Geezer arrived to the venue in character, hobbling around the room passing out cookies to the crowd, stayed in character throughout their show, and all during the judges’ comments, which they routinely interrupted to shoot us a quick-witted insult and gave the audience several hearty laughs at our expense, or others.

Geezer with Alice’s Evil baby prop

Their style was goofy. Their method was, as I was later informed, to just run with it. (They never thought they had a shot). Their shtick was to combine songs or jingles with other songs or jingles of different genres, such as the Mossy Nissan commercial against the “Eye of the Tiger” backdrop, which was nailed. They periodically threw shout outs and/or barbs at the other bands, such as when they played a “Purple Haze”/”Green Acres” hybrid, and a “Beverly Hills”/”Beverly Hillbillies”/”Schools Out” medley, which was nailed. Then they did the Weezer song, “My name is Jonas,” and changed the part of the chorus that repeats the line, “The workers are going home, the workers are going home” to say, “The Jackstones are going home, Purple Haze are going home, Eye Ninety is going home.”

It was brilliant.

There was even a tip of the hat to the cancelled Journey band (Lights) when they goofed on “Lights,” then went into a straight version of Weezer’s “Say it Aint So,” which was nailed.

And finally, they played a joke version of Buddy Holly’s “Peggy Sue,” which included the singer, Adam Gimbel, fumbling on his guitar as if he had arthritis and memory loss, then segued into a straight version of “Buddy Holly,” which was nailed.

My first thought when they started playing was, Oh man, these guys are funny, but clowning around isn’t going to get you a victory over Alice.

Then they got real funny and I thought, Hmm, they may be clowns, but they are proficient clowns. I’m going to have to give them a tie score with Alice and let the crowd sort it out.

But when they played straight versions of “Say it Ain’t So” and “Buddy Holly,” and it was clear the clowns could rock, I had made my decision: Geezer wins, by a hair – and old, brittle, white hair at that.

When Alice was announced as the winner, Patrone and I looked at each other kind of startled. Both of us had given Geezer the victory. Alicia chose Alice by only 2 points. So, it looks again, like it came down to crowd response.

Here are some numbers for you:

ON THE DB METER

1. ALICE – 115.1

2. GEEZER – 103.1

3. EYE NINETY – 100.7

4. PURPLE HAZE – 100.6

5. THE JACKSTONES – 97.8

As we know, the winner of the audience applause category receives 10 points, on each judge’s sheet, for a total of 30.  The second place group receives 7.5 points on each judge’s sheet, for a score of 22.5.

That’s a 7.5 net gain for Alice and the Cooper Gang. Now let’s look at the judge’s tallies.

Note to overlords: photo taken before camera ban

GEEZER/ALICE COMPARISONS BY JUDGE

(Not including applause)

Ed awarded Alice 75 points and Geezer 76.5

Alicia awarded Alice 77 and Geezer 75

Dave awarded Alice 78.5 and Geezer 81.5

TOTALS

ALICE – 230.5

GEEZER – 233

That is a difference of 2.5 in Geezer’s favor. So Geezer was clearly the judges’ pick. However, when you factor in the 7.5 difference for audience applause, Alice wins it by 5 points.

Pretty damn close, but, as much as I love Alice (you know I love you guys) I think the wrong band won last night. Actually, I take that back. There is no “wrong” band. The right band won within the confines of the rules of this contest; however, the band which I thought put on the best performance was Geezer. And while I’m pleased to have another chance to witness the majesty and the malice of Alice, I’m disappointed that we will NOT get to see what those Geezer weirdo’s would’ve done in the next round. It is a tragic loss. Without a doubt, UMC is a better event for having had Geezer in the lineup and I encourage, nay, demand, that you guys come back next year and give it another shot, cuz man, that shit was funny.  Consider me impressed.

AWARDS

• Best Musical Moment of the Night: The Star Spangled Banner (By Purple Haze)
• Best Joke: “Hello Barona!” (Geezer, to Viejas audience)
• Best Joke No One Thought Was Funny: (Ed Decker, to Alice): “Now that we know what the name of your snake is, can you tell me what is the name of the reptile that was draped around your neck?”
• Best Performance: Geezer
• Best Waitress: The pretty, blond one in the black uniform
• Best Bartender: The guy.
• Best Throwing of a Judge Under the Bus for Cheap Audience Applause: (Dave Patrone, to crowd, about Eye Ninety)
  “I’m going to take this opportunity to disagree with everything Ed said.”
• Best Costumes: (Tie) Geezer, Purple Haze, Dave Patrone
• Worst Heckle: “The contest is rigged!” (Guy sitting to the left of Patrone referring to my mentioning that Alice lost last year)
• Best Response to Worst Heckle: “Do you have any evidence to support your claim.” (Dave Patrone)
• Worst Response to Best Response to Worst Heckle: [Paraphrased] “Well they chopped off his head and he had all those props.”

Um, yeah, heckler guy – that’s not proof, that’s irrelevant gibberish.

Edwin Decker
Judge #3

And the winner is…

Big Toe!

Congratulations you Velcro-vest wearing maniacs! Well done.

So, wow. I think the headline for this week’s report is, “Big Toe Wins in Massive Upset!”

Indeed, as much as we all loved the Big Toe performance, the judges felt they were not the best band of the evening. However they won the crowd applause factor and, as we all know by now, the crowd applause factor factors heavily in the process.

Here is a breakdown of last night’s numbers.

A. In the crowd applause department:

1. Big Toe scored 112.1 on the db meter for a total of 30 points (10 points on each judge’s scoresheet).

2.  The Cured scored 111.8db for a total of 22.5 (7.5 points on each judges sheet).

3. The Bad Blokes scored 102.6db for a total of 15 (5 points on each judges sheet).

4. Nutty scored 101.5db for a total of 7.5 (2.5 points on each judges sheet).

5. Rattle and Hum scored 95.2db for a total of 0 points.

B. The judges’ Totals (with applause factored):

Big Toe 253.5

Bad Blokes 247.5

Nutty 238

The Cured 222.5

Rattle and Hum 175

C. Judges’ picks (this is how the judges’ scoresheets would have looked had applause NOT been factored:

Bad Blokes 232

Nutty 230.5

Big Toe 223.5

The Cured 200

Rattle and Hum 175

D. Individual Judge’s Band Rankings (had there been no audience applause points awarded):

Dave “Dick” Patrone

Nutty 78

Bad Blokes 76.5

Big Toe 76

The Cured 66

Rattle 52

Alicia Champion

Bad Blokes 78

Nutty 78

Big Toe 77

Cured 67

Rattle – 63

Edwin Decker

Bad Blokes 78

Nutty 74

Big Toe 70.5

The Cured 69.5

Rattle and Hum 60.5

As you can see, Big Toe fell consistently in the middle of the pack, from the judges’ perspective, so this one was clearly decided by audience applause. And sure, on one level it blows that the best band (in my opinion) did not get through. But on another level, it is so thrilling and magical when such a large group of people adore their band enough to show up in droves and howl so loudly their uvulae rattles against their tonsils like boxers hitting speed bags. And guess what? I bet most of the people who cheered for Big Toe felt the best band did win last night, so…  Atta boy Audience Applause Factor! Thank you for being you.

The night began with Rattle and Hum which was doomed to lose because, well, you have to be some sort of music masochist (musichist?) to join a U2 tribute band. Just think about all the nuance, talent and emotion that course through U2’s bloodstream. Think of all the time, energy and frustration it must take just to rise to the point of being even a shitty U2 tribute. I mean, if it were me, I’d say, “Hey guys, how about we just become a Gin Blossoms cover band, knock out a couple rehearsals, and be done with it?”

So, in the context of how difficult it is to impersonate U2, I’d say these guys did a good job. The two main problems being the guitar work, which, on its own was fine but, when compared to The Edge – his technical proficiency, his tones and effects, his artistry, the way his riffs filled the songs and not the other way around – well the difference between the two is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.*

Ditto the vocalist who, while sounding very much like Bono, was often out of tune. (Author’s note: as I am now officially sick and tired of the term “pitchy,” I hereby refuse to use that word again in a musical context). In their defense, they told me backstage they couldn’t hear themselves in the monitor, and while that may have been an excuse, it could also have been true, and man, if there was ever a vocalist you needed to be able to hear yourself in the monitor while covering, it’s gotta be Bono Vox.

It was Alicia who made the comment that they should have called themselves Joshua Tree, because all their songs were from that album. She then said she would have preferred to have heard different songs from different eras but, while I too would’ve liked to have heard something from War, or Boy, or October,  I didn’t see a problem with them devoting a set to Joshua Tree and am guessing that, had they advanced to the next round, they would have covered a different album from a different era. I get that strategy, think it could work, and would’ve liked to have seen it pan out.

After we made our comments, the lead singer of Rattle and Hum said, “You guys are great! American Idol should have judges like you.”

I thought he was being sarcastic, especially after Dave, “The Dick Judge” Patrone, made a couple of snarky comments about blowing a lyric of one of the songs. When I went back stage to take their photo, I asked the singer if the American Idol comment was meant to be sarcastic. His jaw dropped.

“No no no!” he said. “I was serious.”

One of the other guys chimed in, “We thought you guys were honest and forthright. All the American idol judges ever do is repeat themselves.”

”Besides,” the singer added, “we would never shoot ourselves in the foot like that.”

I told them that even if they were being sarcastic, that’s ok because sarcasm is acceptable in this venue and would not be held against them in the judging process even if it weren’t. He assured me that he was being sincere which impressed me. Not because they thought we were good judges, but because we had been rather hard on them, yet they responded positively. They didn’t just dismiss the judges as retards and continue making the same mistakes instead of looking inward to see what might be wrong and what could be corrected. Not that we’re always right about everything, but that we might be right about some things.

I took their photo, shook their hands, and headed back to the judges’ table thinking, I wish there were more people like that in the world.

Speaking of the kind of people we need more people to be like in the world, next came Big Toe: This guy is amazing. He is so positive, thoughtful, passionate, skilled and motivated – it’s kind of frightening to think what he would’ve accomplished in the world had he had all his arms.

The Big Toe set was great and the only reasons why I think they were inferior to Bad Blokes and Nutty, were:

1. Song selections: all of the bands they covered were middle of the road rockers like Candlebox, Collective Soul, Bush and Seven Mary Three. Bleh.

2. I didn’t hear much in the way of “dynamics” (also an overused, soon to be unmentionable term).

If you remember, Alicia said the Bad Blokes were too bright (as in too tinny, too high-endy), which was true. Conversely, I thought Big Toe was too midrange-centric, almost muddy even, which leads to a reduction of separation and, of course, bad dynam…, er, you know, the D-word. Keep in mind, these are nit-picky sentiments but, in a competition this fierce, this close, it comes down to the details and partly why, I believe the Blokes or Nutty should have won.

However, if you guys are out there reading this, you should know – every word I said last night was true. I loved your set. Your band is a force, and you, Mr. Toe, are one of those one-in-a-million types who should be a role model for the other 999 thousand of us. You said it best when, after The Dick commented on how difficult it is to sing high notes while sitting down, you responded, “No Excuses.” I mean, if ever a person had an excuse, Brother, it’s you, so Kudos! I look forward to seeing you in the next round.

Next came the Clay Colton Ba…, er, I mean the Bad Blokes.

Here’s a little back story:

You probably didn’t notice, I was rather late getting to the DreamCatcher last night. This is because I had come from an event on which I was working all day.

It was called the CityBeat Festival of Beers and the few of us who organized it had been working like dogs all week. Then, on Sunday morning, 4:30am, after about 3 hours of sleep, I dragged my ass out of bed and over to the site in North Park where I ran around all day putting out fires and plugging holes in dikes until 5:45pm, then rushed down to UMC to bring you all an amazingly brilliant and insightful musical commentary despite great adversity.

Ok, maybe not so much.

The point is, after Big Toe played, and the set change began, it all pretty much caught up to me. At that moment, all the Red Bulls, espressos and Diet Cokes I drank to keep me going finally caught up and I crashed, but hard. So there I was, waiting for the Clay Colton Ba…, er, the Bad Blokes to start, using cocktail stirrers to pry my eyelids open, when the music started and changed everything. It was like somebody had popped open another Red Bull; a giant one; a Red Bull so big it took up the entire stage, then poured every last drop of its glorious contents into my gullet, all at once, like a beer bong.

Then it was blast off time.

I mean, these guys weren’t just energetic, they were energy in a can! And every chair in that room got a little bit of a break as every ass leaned forward to receive the wonder and the majesty of the Colton Blokes.

Yes, Alicia was right, they were bright, but I didn’t agree with her opinion of the Dyna, er, the D-word, which she said was a relentless “wall of sound” (not to be confused with Phil Spector’s sound wall). The reason I didn’t agree was because that’s what the types of bands they were emulating (Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphies) sound like. They too have a relentless, in your face, “wall of sound” sound. Furthermore, in a 20 minute set, I don’t think a breakdown is all that necessary. In an hour set, sure, one would be in order, but in a 20 minute set, go ahead and blast me man, blast me with your wall!!

It was Alicia who also noted that the one U2 song they covered, “Desire,” came off the Rattle and Hum record, which made me wonder if they did that because they knew Rattle and Hum was booked and it was a shout out to them, or just a coincidence. Either way, it was a welcome bit of irony as Rattle and Hum did not do a song off Rattle and Hum yet the Bad Colton’s did.

Anyway, I could go on about these guys. Suffice to say, I’m now a huge fan of both the Clay Colton Band and the Bad Blokes, and I would love to see any other outfits they have. And if they don’t, perhaps they should start some, such as, say, a tribute to the 80s, which they can call, The Clayties All Stars, or Coltplay (a tribute to Coldplay), or maybe a zydeco and Cajun group called The Clayfish, or, I know, how about a band that covers Jewish folk music (The Clayzmers)? Just a thought fellas, you should consider it.

After the Blokes came the appropriately named Nutty, my second pick of the evening. These guys weaved lounge versions of rock songs with big band and jazz staples making them virtually original compositions (think piano tie-wearing, Princess Cruise, lounge singer doing “Baba O’Reilly”), like Mancini’s “The Pink Panther theme” weaved into Hendrix’s “Purple Haze,” or Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” merged with Louis Prima’s, “Sing, Sing, Sing.”

The result was hilarious while at the same time containing bountiful musical prowess.

After Nutty played, The Dick got himself into a bit of hot water with the crowd.

Alicia had made the premonitory comment, “This one’s gonna come down to the audience applause,” to which Patrone responded, “It’s too bad because the audience doesn’t know what the fuck they’re listening to.”

Oh man, he got some boos on that humdinger.  But I get what he was saying. I also think they were considered too much of a novelty act by many. Their musical agility was overshadowed by their humor and, because their humor wasn’t really working on a segment of the crowd, I believe they tuned out Nutty’s awesome musicianship as a result. Of course, the point could have been made with a tad more tact, but he is The Dick Judge after all, and God love him for it.

Lastly came The Cured which I enjoyed, despite that they were hardly perfect. Of course I was booed for saying so, but the main problem with the Cured was the same as the problem with Rattle and Hum: Which is to say, both singers sounded like their alter-egos, but both of them were pitc…, er, I mean, kept dropping out of tune. And The Cured singer, Zippy, would make these periodic barking sounds to accent Robert Smith’s style. Admittedly, Robert Smith does the same sort of thing, but far less intrusively, thereby making Zippy’s eructates more of a caricature than an impersonation. Still, I think the barking problem can easily be fixed (come off the mic a bit, and work on making the barks sound more like notes). Once resolved, I think The Cured might have something there.

Ed Decker
Judge #1

* From a Mark Twain quote: “The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

And the winner is…

Firefly!

Congratulations you Bad-Song-Selecting-But-Otherwise-Awesome rockers and rollers. See you in the next round.

Yep, so another fun night at the Ultimate Music Challenge. A bunch of us had a little after-party in the V-Lounge and, well, suffice to say, I’m a bit groggy today. But if you think I got tipsy last night, you should have seen the other two.

Alicia got so drunk she was hitting on a slot machine, and Dave jumped on the bartop and began singing “Wonderful World” into the beer tap handle because he thought it was a microphone.

Those guys are lushes. I, on the other hand, maintained my composure and did not make a fool of myself in any way. You can believe it because I am a journalist and  beholden to the truth.

Anyway, before getting into the review, I have some amazing news to report.

I am no longer the Monty Hall Judge!

That moniker now belongs to Alicia.

If you remember, last week, there was a conversation about how all my scores were higher than the other judges. As you know, we grade each category on a scale of 1-10, but it turns out I had a different regard for what the values of those numbers are (to Dave and Alicia, a 5 is an average score, to me 5 is a below average score). So last night, we had a short meeting, during which it was agreed that from now on, a grade of 5 would be considered an average score, and the other numbers’ values would revolve around that. Subsequently, I have been officially downgraded from Monty Hall Judge to Middle-of-the-Road, Emphasis-on-Mediocrity Judge.

Yay.

It is now Alicia who is the Monty Hall Judge, and Patrone, unsurprisingly, is still a dick. Indeed, on every band’s score sheets except one, Alicia gave the highest scores, I gave the middlest, and Patrone, well, you know what he did.

So the night started off rather well with one of my favorite cover bands: a Diana Ross and the Supremes tribute, which was sadly ousted from the competition last year by Monsters of Rock.

The Corvelles were a great band to open up the evening. That music is so special to me. It’s got such a pleasing, feminine warmth and softness to it, making The Corvelles a perfect band to ease us into some of the harder testostertunes that would follow, like nestling into your woman’s bosom before going out to the strip club with the boys.

On the negative tip, and reluctantly, I will say this: The Corvelles did not match last year’s performance. I can’t put my finger on why, but they just weren’t as refined this time around,  seemed to have lost a step in the energy category, and were not emoting quite as much.

Here’s what I wrote about them last year:

The Corvelles were firing on all pistons. Not like the high RPM rev of a race car, rather, the gorgeous purr of a brand new Aston Martin V12 idling in your garage. You know, that sound, when you open the hood and can hear the motor humming, nary a blip or a burp to be heard, and the engine is clean and sparkling, and the radiator fan blows a gentle breeze in your face. That’s The Corvelles.

While I very much enjoyed their set this year, and still hold The Corvelles in high regard, there were definitely a few blips to be heard in the engine and it might be time for a quick tune-up.

After The Corvelles, came My Cuzzin’s Funk, a George Clinton and Parliament cover band. When they walked on stage – the way they looked, with the kooky hats and wigs, funky glasses and bobby socks, and the George Clinton character fully dressed to the part — well I just knew they were going to bring it.

But I knew wrong.

I had some pretty harsh words for them after their set; words like sloppy, draggy and flat-footed; words that had to be said but no amount of dancing around them could make the words less hurtful; words that I really did not want to say because I got such a great vibe from them, personally, and when I went backstage to take their photo, everyone was so pleasant, and gracious, despite the fact that they were still smarting from the judges’ comments, especially P.D. (the George Clinton character) who was so friendly, had a giant toothy grin, and seemed a great, gentle, de-clawed bear of a man — the kind of guy with whom I would endeavor to have a beer or six.

Not that any of them would want to hang out with me though, because when I was returning from the photo op, I overheard one of the band guys say to another, “That was brutal,” referring to the judges’ comments.

It was at that moment, I think, more than any other since I started judging this competition, that I really got a look at how much our words can hurt. It was a depressing moment and one that gave me pause.

You know, I don’t much like insulting bands in the first place, and really loathe kicking them when they’re down. But it is especially difficult when the band members are as likeable as the Cuzzin’s crew and when you can witness, first hand, how painful your words are to them.

So Cuzzins, if you’re reading this – please keep this in mind. We’re not saying you suck. It’s just that, we’re judging you against some of the finest bands in the land. The competition is fierce, and stacked. However, I think you’re onto something with this group, and with a little work, can easily see you as a premier cover band in the near future. You just need to spend more time practicing, because the main problem with your band, as I see it, is that you aren’t listening to each other. What I heard up there was a bunch of different musicians doing their own thing, which is why you frequently fell in and out of tune, why the backline was dragging, and why it generally seemed sloppy. Spend some extra time in rehearsal working on the “listening to each other” aspect of the game and you will see a marked improvement.

The other problem is your energy level. P-Funk is energy personified. I’ve seen Parliament several times and, yeah, it gets sloppy. But one thing it never gets is dull. I mean, for nearly 4 hours those guys will deliver it right into your face and when they’re done you feel like you were pummeled by an angry mob of funky space aliens.

Of course, P.D., you can tell me to take a flying leap and I wouldn’t blame you, but if I were the leader of your band, I would have a pep talk before each show. I would tell them things that would put a fire under their (and my) asses, and when I was done I would tell them, “Bitches, we may make some mistakes tonight, we may pluck the wrong notes or forget our lines, but rain or shine we are gonna stick it in their faces until they feel like they are being pummeled by an angry mob of funky space aliens. Now make my funk the P-Funk, I want to get funked up!”

Next came Firefly and, what can I say, I wanted to hate them, but it was impossible. They opened up the set with my second most hated style of music: bubble-gum pop country. Not that Bonnie Raitt is bubble gum country, but Firefly’s version of Bonnie Raitt certainly was. Then they did AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long,” which, as far as AC/DC songs go, sucks anal warts. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, the unthinkable happened. . .

They covered Celine Dion.

Oh Heavenly Father, how could thou forsake us with Celine Dion Music? Hath we offended thou? Let us Pray.

After that, it was “Santoria” by Sublime, who should have called the song, “Craporia,” and, finally, Firefly closed the set with one of Journey’s worst songs, “Separate Ways,” which is worser even than “Wheel in the Sky,” which is worser than “Faithfully,” which is worser than “Open Arms,” which is one of those songs that, if it ever gets stuck in your head, well, you better hope there aren’t any loaded shotguns lying around.

However…

As those of you who were in attendance last night can confirm, Firefly was awesome. That chick singer? Man-oh-man did she have pipes or what? And the rest of the band was wholly spectacular. They were tight and fun and energetic and, well, after only a few bars of “Love Sneaking Up on You,” it was impossible to hold their song choices against them.

If I may digress for a moment, Patrone and I had an argument about whether song choices should be factored in at all. He says no, I say yes. Now mind you, I agree that song genres shouldn’t be factored in, but, the songs they pick within their genre, matters. For instance, if the Johnny Cash tribute band, With a Bible and a Gun, had played “Ring of Fire,” I probably would’ve scored that against them since most of the lifejuice has been sucked out that song due to massive overexposure.

On the flip side, I thought opening with “Get Rhythm” was an excellent choice and subsequently rewarded them for it on my score sheet. By the way, With a Bible and a Gun, just missed a victory. The scoring between them and Firefly was very close

The Monty Hall Judge
Firefly – 79
Bible – 78

Mediocrity Judge
Firefly – 75
Bible – 74.5

The Dick
Firefly 71.5
Bible – 71

Wow, wow, wow. That’s a difference of only 1.5 points. It doesn’t get much closer than that and I personally would like to invite Bible/Gun back next year to give it another shot. Great job guys.

Lastly came Washing Matilda.

I dug these guys; thought the singer had a great tone, and a style that sounded like the singers he was imitating, but also was clearly his own sound. They weren’t without their fair share of blips and burps, but, whatever, it was fun. Dave said they also did original music and about halfway through their set last night I started to wonder what that sounded like because, as good of a cover band as they were, they probably would be a better original band because their sound is so unique.

So there you have it: the straight dope on Ultimate Music Challenge. Oh, and speaking of dope, remember kids, just say “No” to Celine Dion.

Ed Decker,
Over and Out

Purchase a copy of Celine Dion’s new album
Forever Cornball at Amazon.com

“I think ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ was vocally and guitaristically* ambitious,” (Judge David Patrone on why Baytown should have considered not playing a Journey song).

And the winner is….

The Untouchables!

Congratulations you well-oiled machinists.

Well, once again, it was fairly easy to choose a winner last night. The judges all agreed, and pretty much everybody with whom I spoke did as well, The Untouchables should’ve won, though, I do remember hearing a few boos in the crowd throughout the night. Indeed, after the comments I made about Funky Pox, I’m quite certain somebody yelled, “Get a clue!”

I must say, that comment that stabbed me right in the heart. As soon as I arrived home last night, I opened my AMG Official Guide to Music, to see if I could find a clue inside and, as luck would have it, right there on page 198, I did find one: The clue was “boysenberries.”

Of course, I still don’t know the answer but, thanks to Heckler-X, at least I have a clue.

Patrone had some hecklers himself last night. I got a kick out of how he handled them. For instance, when he said to the Diamond is Forever singer, who at one point in the set adopted his namesake’s persona, “If you’re going to impersonate Neil Diamond, you need to work on your New York accent,” he received a chorus of boos. “That’s ok,” Patrone responded, “I can take that – coming from a bunch of Californians.”

Good Stuff D.P., as former New Yorker, I appreciated that.

On the way home from the show, my wife, Alicia (Judge #2) and I were talking about the heckling and booing and whether it was appropriate. We concurred that, while at times heckling can make us uncomfortable, it is part of the show, part of the fun, and that hey, if we can dish it out we damn well better be able to take it.

So, not that you need our permission, but you certainly have our blessing to heckle if you disagree with our comments.  Just do me a favor though and try to say something interesting, funny or unique instead of, “Get a clue.”

Now go forth and heckle righteous!

One more thing before getting into the scoring. I caught wind of another conspiracy theory last night. Apparently, there are some grumblings about an unsavory preference toward The Untouchables.

Yup, there are people out there who think the contest is rigged.

Do you folk have nothing better to do than invent conspiracy theories about an utterly benign, event?

There are three reasons I find this hilarious. They are: 1. David Patrone, 2. Alicia Champion and 3. Ed Decker

That, anyone can question the integrity of these judges is beyond me:

David Patrone is a former Marine staff Sergeant fer crissake, as in Semper Fi numbnuts! Look it up.

Alicia Champion is the co-director of SD IndieFest which is all about – independent art and music, global activism, sticking it to the man, rebellion  against all things hollow, fake or cheap and loosening the corporate death grip on the individual. These are the causes that comprise the fleshy substance that is her heart and I know, as her friend, colleague, and all-round admirer, that Alicia Champion would sooner slice off her kneecaps and use them as serving bowls than sell out her soul to a corporate conspiracy such as what has been alleged.

As for me, well, I have a price, but Viejas can’t afford it right now.

So, to all your UMC Conspiracy Theorists out there…

pfffffffft!

Anyhoo, about last night’s show. More and more people have been asking to share the scoresheets with you and while it is a lot of extra work, I know I would want to see them if I were in your shoes as well. So here are the numbers. I will break them down into four categories:

1. Audience Applause (to determine which bands the crowd liked best).

2. Band Totals (to determine each band’s scores with crowd noise).

3. Judges Individual Rankings (to determine how each judge ranked each                  band without crowd noise).

4. Judges Compiled Ranking (to determine the overall ranking                                          without applause meter).

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
(For which bands the crowd cheered loudest)

The winner of the audience applause category (Db meter) was Diamond is Forever (113.2db).

After that it was:

Funky Pox (108.6db)

The Untouchables (106.7db)

The Bayton Band (102.4db)

Followed by Politik (99.4db).

(Click here to learn how crowd response is factored)

BAND TOTALS

(Each band’s grades, including audience participation. These are the official scores)

1st Place – The Untouchables (257)

Breakdown

Ed – 88.5
Alicia – 86
Dave – 82.5

Notes: It looks like I was the Monty Hall judge on this performance, giving The Untouchables a 9.5 on just about every section of the SHOWMANSHIP category, a 9.0 in both sections of the MUSICAL ABILITY category and a 9.5 in the PARTICIPATION/RESPONSE section (not to be confused with the CROWD NOISE/APPLAUSE via db reading section).

Alicia awarded The Untouchables a total of 86, with 9.0’s in every category and stingy, old Dave Patrone gave them primarily 8.0’s.

2^nd Place – Diamond is Forever (240)

Breakdown

Ed – 90
Alicia – 77
Dave – 73

Notes: Hmm, it looks like I was the Monty Hall judge again, giving Diamond is Forever the highest numbers by far; mostly 8.5’s in the SHOWMANSHIP categories and 9.0’s in the MUSICAL ABILITY categories whereas the other judges gave 7’s and 8’s (Patrone gave a 6.0 in the vocal section).

3^rd Place – The Baytown Band (238)

Ed – 84
Alicia – 77.5
Dave – 76.5

Notes: Here we go again.

Monty Hall: “Tell them what they’ve won Jay!”

“Ok contestants, take a look at what’s behind curtain number one because you’ve won … A new car!”

Sheesh.

I wonder why I’m so pointistically* generous? Maybe it’s because I’m the non-musician of the group and less likely to notice technical mistakes. Or maybe I just have a different idea about the values of the scores. For instance, I think in terms of school grades. ( 9.0 is an A, 8.0 is a B, 7.0 is a C etc.). However, I suspect the other two judges think in terms of 5.0 being an average score (C) because it is the halfway point between 1-10.  I’ll have to ask them..  Dave? Alicia? Your thoughts please?

4^th – Funky Pox (201.5)

Ed – 72.5
Alicia – 70.5
Dave – 58.5

Notes: *sigh* Anyone see a pattern yet?

5th Place – Politik (166)

Ed – 59.5
Alicia – 56
Dave – 50.5

Notes: So, it’s official – I’m the Monty Hall judge, Alicia is the play-it-safe,  judge, and Dave is the dick judge.

JUDGES’ INDIVIDUAL RANKINGS
(How the judges ranked the bands without factoring audience participation)

Dave Patrone:

1. The Untouchables – 77.5

2. Baytown band – 74.5

3. Diamond is Forever – 63

4. Funky Pox – 51

5. Politik – 50.5

Alicia Champion:

1. The Untouchables – 81

2. Baytown band – 75

3. Diamond is Forever – 67

4. Funky Pox – 63

5. Politik – 56.5

Monty Hall (a.k.a. Ed Decker):

1. The Untouchables – 83.5

2. Baytown band – 81.5

3. Diamond is Forever – 80

4. Funky Pox – 62.5

5. Politik – 59.5

COMBINED BAND RANKINGS WITHOUT CROWD NOISE
(The order of winning bands had crowd noise not been a factor)

1. Untouchables

2. Baytown

3. Diamond is Forever

4. Funky Pox

5. Politik

WHAT WE LEARNED

So what do these numbers tell us about the scoring of UMC 3 Week 3?: They tell us that The Untouchables were clearly the best band; they tell us that, as of now, the judges are pretty much on the same page as far as band ranking goes (though they also tell us that I should lay off the new car giveaways); they tell us that Diamond and Funky Pox did an excellent job promoting their show; that audience applause can make a difference; and that future contestants should endeavor to rally their fanbase and  instruct them to yell very loud when it’s time.

What the numbers didn’t tell us but we knew anyway is that this UMC thing is shaping up to be one of the hottest, funnest, excellentest events around and I absolutely cannot wait till next week.

MISCELLANEOUS NOTES

1. It should be noted that the singer and the bass player for Politik have been with the band for only two weeks. Come back next year guys, after you get a bit more stage time under your belts.

2. It should also be noted that the drummer from Politik had thrown a bra on stage during the Diamond is Forever set. Well done Drummer From Politik!

3. Cell phone conversation overheard in the hall outside bathroom: “Yeah Michelle, we just got off stage. We were great, but the judges sucked.  They don’t know anything.”

*GLOSSARY

Guitaristically: – pronounced gih-tar-iss-tick-a-lee. (adverb)

1. That which pertains to guitars.
2. Of and according to the family of stringed instruments known as the guitar.
3. A coinage from the infamous marine staff sergeant, turned ski instructor, turned jazz crooner, turned dickish music contest judge.

Pointistically – pronounced point-tiss-tick-a-lee (adverb)

1. That which pertains to a grading system
2. Of and according to the family of sharp objects (such as arrows, or darts)
3. A coinage from the freelance writer, turned alcoholic, turned porn actor, turned new-car-awarding music contest judge.

Ed Decker
Judge #3
www.edwindecker.com

Hey all! Before getting to my review of last night’s competition, I have a small bit of unfortunate news to report. I am no longer able to take pictures in the DreamCatcher. It seems there are some complications with the gaming commission and taking photos in the lounge is heretofore verboten!

I know this sucks but let’s not make a big deal about it. It’s out of our hands and griping about it will only aggravate us (read: me) more. Besides, I’m going to use different, relevant images in their place so don’t lament my friends, all will be fine.

And the winner of Ultimate Music Challenge Week 2 is….

Monsters of Rock

Congratulations boys! Well done. Hell yeah!

So, what a night it was. I think everybody is in agreement that all the bands which played last night were excellent. I sure walked out of there with an electricified grin on my face.

The first band to take the stage was the Sofa Kings. It was a superb way to start the evening. They were tight and they were pro and they chose a couple of gems to play for us, including an outstanding version of Sugar Loaf’s “Green Eyed Lady,” which is a very complex tune, especially during the breakdown, which they pulled off quite elegantly.

(This is a guitar – guitars are used by many bands in the UMC)

Next up was, Generator, which is a Bad Religion cover band. I don’t much care for Bad Religion or the rest of the bands in that wanna-be thuggy, So Cal punkabilly scene (Social Distortion, NOFX, The Adolescents, etc.)

My feeling is that the SoCal punkabilly stuff is a little soft and contains a tad more posing than East Coast or British punk bands, which are my preferences, and that Mike Ness (Social Distortion singer who sounds like Greg Graffin of Bad Religion), could very well be the son of Satan.

After the Generator’s set, I told the guys that I pretty much, “tune out Bad Religion whenever I hear them on the jukebox.” However, I must admit, watching them gave me a new appreciation for the nuances of Bad Religion’s song structures and harmonies. Not that I’m not going to go out and buy an album any time soon, but thanks to Generator I won’t tune out a Bad Religion song the next time it plays on the juke. That’s a testament to Generator for sure. They also seem like swell guys, with great attitudes. I liked their demeanor during their performance and even more afterward. Kudos!

Next came the Clay Colton Band, which brought the competition to the next level. They opened their set with Bon Jovi (who happens to be the daughter of Satan) and slammed it! Of all the groups that night, the songs the Clay Colton played were my least favorite but they combined musicianship and showmanship in a vibrant, somewhat schlocky manner. They were fun. They were packed with energy. They had leggy hot chicks acting all hot and leggy and shit. I think this was the band that marked a turning point for the crowd, as though everyone in the room sat up a little straighter, and leaned a little forwarder, in their honor.

Then came the moment a lot of people were anticipating: The return of Monsters of Rock. And they did return, in a monster fashion. They played an entire set of new (to them) songs. “Let There Be Rock” by AC/DC, “The Mountain Song” by Janes Addiction , “Aces High,” by Iron Maiden (I’m quite sure the Iron Maiden mascot, Eddie, is the brother of Satan) and closed out with the Mötley Crüe’s anthemic, “Shout at the Devil.”

(This is a stage. The bands in UMC play on a stage too)

Ok, so, here’s the thing about Monsters of Rock that is true about few bands in this competition. When MOR starts playing, the judges stop judging. Well, I do anyway. I become so consumed by their power and fury, that I am no longer looking for things to critique or compliment. I’m just rocking out.

Of course they’re not perfect, but  I don’t care. When Monsters of Rock are on that stage, I don’t want to be a judge. I want to be a fan, so I don’t have to waste time writing comments about how the guitar player came in a half step late on his solo, or the singer went sharp for a second there, because every moment I spend writing stuff down is a moment that I’m not rocking out to Monsters of Rock.

There is one disappointment I’d like to mention. I noticed that MOR did not take my advice last year and add the heavy metal umlaut ( e.g. Mötley Cruë) to their name.

This is a travesty. There is a reason Satan created the heavy metal umlaut and it was to advertise, to those so inclined, that metal can be found here, and also as a warning to others – the more pious among us, the followers of a lighter, safer brand of music, a feebler people whose bones are more brittle, ears more sensitive – that they should steer clear of this area because it is where heavy metal is happening.

T’is a shame that Monsters of Rock will not utilize this ever-so-tiny accent which would explain so much, yet requires so little extra space in their newspaper ad.

(This is a human being – often, bands
that perform at UMC have human beings in them)

Last came Led Zeppelin tributers, Dazed and Confused. It was horribly disappointing. Not because the guys sucked or anything, rather, because they suffered one of the worst technical failures in rock and roll history; right up there with the time Derek Smalls (Spinal Tap) couldn’t get out of the alien cocoon during their performance of “Rock and Roll Creation,” at Hartford Civic Center.

It was, dare I say, tragic.

They started the set with “Black Dog,” which, admittedly, had a few misfires, but when they kicked into “Kashmir,” all was forgiven. That song, so majestic, so epic, just put the room into a trance. There must have been at least three or four times when goose pimples ran up and down my arms as they brought the crowd in and out of our hypnotized states and finished to an uproarious applause.

Then they launched into “Whole Lotta Love,” and there was nothing hypnotizing about it. It was straight up, in your face, rawk and they played the intro and pre-middle of the song with  a vengeance, after which they. . .

. . . they slide into a psychedelic breakdown,  with entrancing guitar whelps and yelps, and chilling pick-scrapes, the drummer pecking away at his cymbals and the rims of his snares, and the singer wailing out“ohs” and “ahs” and other orgasmic eructations with his mouth about a foot away from the microphone so it sounds as if he is gratifying himself in a dark cave off in the distance. Then they arrive at the half way point of the breakdown – rising, rising – and here they come, emerging from the psychedelic forest to crush the finale. The drummer rolls out the song’s infamous, psychopathic machine gun drum roll and bangs out a, “Thump! thump!”, which everyone in the world recognizes as Jimmy Page’s cue to shred. And the guitar player steps up and starts wailing on those strings like he’s standing on the P.A. in Madison Square, except, there’s nothing there.

“Thump, thump” goes the bass and drum once more.

And the guitarist goes at it again, and again, and again – for naught.

As I said, it was tragic; as tragic as Romeo and Juliet. In fact that’s what it was. The “thump, thump” of the bass and drums was Romeo’s call to Juliette, but she never answered, thus destroying the defining moment of the song, the moment the song, nay, the entire set, was headed toward – the moment that was supposed to leave us all dazed and confused by their virtuosity. Instead, everybody in that room was devastated, and none moreso than the guitar player, whom I think should probably be put on suicide watch for a few weeks.

But don’t take it to heart, Guitar Guy. Sometimes your guitar goes out when you’re playing a little filler riff that nobody will notice, and sometimes it goes out when you’re playing the most important solo of your life. May all your future technical failures be when you’re playing filler riffs, my friend. And a word of advice – COME BACK NEXT YEAR! You seriously have a shot at winning this thing so get your butts in gear!

Anyway, there you have it. Week 2, in the tank. Thanks for being a great audience – I love you guys!

See ya next week!

Edwin Decker
Judge #3

(This is a judge. We have judges at
the UMC too! I am one of them.)